The Myth of Being A Slut

(Published at lawsonry.com)

If we want to look at the dictionary definition, a slut is someone who is sexually promiscuous or has loose sexual morals (whatever that means). But, in a society where the objectification of women is so rampant and the word slut is not only restricted to sex, but to any other behavior deemed “unnatural” for a woman it’s easy to get lost in the rhetoric of slut-shaming. And just so there is no confusion whatsoever, slut-shaming is when a woman is policed and labeled a slut based on her sexual promiscuity.

Research has been done to show the effects on objectification of women in the media and the results are disturbing. The Journal of Personality and Social Psychologysays, ”Depression, appearance anxiety, body shame, sexual dysfunction, and eating disorders are only a few among the growing list of repercussions.” Contrary to what the dictionary has to say about the word, I have been labeled a slut because I wouldn’t shut up, discussed sex freely, and also had sex (lots of it). As a young woman, I found out being a slut didn’t mean you only had sex; it meant you talked about it, you were opinionated, and you defended yourself. It was the quickest jab to my reputation even at the young age of fifteen.

So, am I a slut? I enjoy sex and not necessarily monogamous sex. I am opinionated and will defend myself when I need to. I identify as a queer woman, so when I talk about how I am turned on by those of the same sex, am I also a slut then? Yes and no. By society’s definition, I am most definitely characterized as a “slutty woman.” I like short dresses and skirts. I like to show off cleavage. It’s my choice to do so after all. But, I am also not a slut because sluts do not exist. Sluts are a figment of the patriarchal imagination and in that imagination they are not only sexually active women, they are also thinking, working, productive women who strive to be the best they can be. Again, I say sluts do not exist.Anyone can be called a slut, even men. A slut for being assertive. A slut for speaking out. There’s even a Facebook page titled, “Shut Up, You Stupid Slut!” (You can type in the word Slut on Facebook and come up with many pages that are similar) The word slut has been so loosely used in past years that the societal definition has become confusing. But “slut” isn’t alone – there are other words that are being used as a way to weaken a woman’s “good” reputation. Words like, “cunt”, “dyke”, and “whore” are tossed around synonymously with “slut”. I hear it all the time when I’m out in public and men comment on what a woman is wearing by saying, “Oh wow, what a slutty cunt.” Or, “Look at that dress she’s wearing, she looks like such a dyke whore.”

Sluts are a myth.

They myth of “the slut” is that women who like to have a lot of sex are sex-hungry, blindly fucking monsters from hell. Essentially, this idea stems from insecurity from other women and men who are afraid of female sexuality, for whatever reason that may be. It is also scary to a society that values a “good girl” image from all women, from the time a young girl reaches adolescence until the day she dies. The myth of the slut is used to control women so they will sit down, shut up and keep their legs closed. As for men, they are seen as sexually promiscuous by nature.

Herein lies the double standard. Women are sluts. Men are studs. Women are filthy. Men are clean. Jessica Valenti puts it perfectly in He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards A Woman Should Know, when she says “Men who have a lot of sexual partners are studs, Casanovas, pimps, and players. Never sluts.” And even when a man is called a slut, it’s never just slut. It’s either man-slut or man-whore. It’s always derived from the feminine and there is never an original derogatory term for men who have promiscuous sex.

Now, I recently got into a debate with a young woman on my blog. This is what she had to say about “sluts” and my view on them:

“I don’t even think YOU should refer to women who choose to screw whom they please as sluts (the majority of people have that word registered in their brains as something dirty, wrong, disgusting…) but, I can’t prohibit you to stop using any word at that. “Slutting” is -for the most part- quite degrading when done without a single thought. Women who fuck just because they can, without a thought, without evening questioning if the person they’re screwing even has respect for them or sees them as just a whore, concubine, harlot, jezebel… is wrong. I don’t have respect for girls who fuck without thinking a single thought before the deed is done. Who don’t think for themselves; for their own damn good! I’ve seen guys laugh and talk shit about girls they’ve fucked, because no respect was established whatsoever… And, I’ve witnessed sluts hit on my boyfriend, them being fully aware that he’s taken, it makes me sick. No respect for self nor fellow females and couples overall! My point being, know what you’re supporting, every single tiny spec of it.

Everyone has the right to pork whom they please, no problem there but when you’re fucking just anyone without really knowing what kind of a person they are don’t get pissy when they call you names or treat you a certain way; it’s your own fault. Set them straight before it’s too late.

I hope I’m not misunderstood.”

I try to keep my mind open at all times, especially when young women start slut-shaming. I attempt to understand 1) Why are they slut-shaming? 2) What are their experiences? And 3) How can I talk to them about what they are saying and why it is wrong? In this case the first two have been understood, but the third was the hardest to address. While I can’t and won’t link you to the full-on discussion I had with her, I will address how problematic her statement is and how it really does affect young girls and women.

She seems to project this idea of “the slut” which is a mind numbing, blindly fucking monster from hell who wants nothing more than to make every girl’s worst nightmare of stealing their partner come to life. It’s an idea made up in most women’s minds because of insecurities not dealt with head on. She also assumes that because a woman is having sex with more than one person within a short period of time that that woman is somehow not respecting herself. This is straight up offensive to women around the world who have multiple sexual partners, but it is not an unusual stance on the matter. Friends of the past have told me, “Nicole, why don’t you have more self-respect?” But the thing is, I do! I have a lot of it! I have enough self-respect to stick up for my opinions in a public domain, don’t I? And a lot of young women are faced with this argument; that somehow if you have a lot of sex and enjoy it you can’t respect yourself. It’s a lie.

“Everyone has the right to pork whom they please, no problem there but when you’re fucking just anyone without really knowing what kind of a person they are don’t get pissy when they call you names or treat you a certain way; it’s your own fault.”

What really got my blood boiling out of all that she said, was the “it’s your own fault” card. Victim blaming, anyone? This is the epitome of rape culture and the phrase used the most in order to demonize young women according to their sexuality. The really interesting part of the sentence is the fact that she contradicts herself completely by saying everyone has the right to have sex with whom they please, but don’t come crying when you get harassed or called names! She doesn’t explicitly say the word “rape” in there, but it is definitely implied with the rest of what she is saying.

Comments like the one up above are what contributes to a rape culture that is set on limiting a woman’s sexuality. That is not okay with me, as a rape survivor, and other young women like me who aren’t ashamed of their sexuality. Slut is a term that is archaic and needs to be taken back from the community it has so often been used against.

The slut debate has been ignited mostly by the recent Slutwalks taking place all over the country and world. Whether you think it’s a joke, empowering, or you don’t care, the discussion is happening and people are talking about “sluts.” There needs to be a greater emphasis on the double standard between female and male sexuality, and if being a slut means having a lot of sex and enjoying it, then I’m a damned slut.